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Monday, October 20, 2014

What does failure mean to you?

Day Twenty: My Biggest Fear

Overall I am terrified of failure. Though, the general topic of failure spreads across many aspects of my life: my marriage, my friendships, my career (or lack of career), my health, and my overall happiness.

My marriage: I don't have too much experience with successful marriages. My parents were divorced when I was, probably, three years old. They both remarried, but those didn't really work out either. It's not that I have any real feelings about their marriage(s) ending, like I never think to myself, "why didn't they try harder?" or "God, what a bunch of failures." It's just sorta something that happened... But when it comes to my own marriage, I have idealistic thoughts about divorce not being an option.

Don't get me wrong, Aaron and I haven't really had any challenges where divorce would have ever been considered, but I try to think these things in a more long term way. There are going to be struggles and some not so good times, but I don't ever want us to think "oh, let's just throw in the towel." We are (give or take some) 12 years into our relationship, and at this point, I am more obsessed with him then I ever have been. Like I've mentioned in earlier posts, I would spend ALL of my time with him, if I realistically could (or if he felt the same way). 

I think I am feeling especially passionate about this topic right now because of an experience I had a couple of weeks ago. I was at a job interview, in a relatively small architecture/engineering firm. The woman who interviewed me said something about her husband working in the same office, to which I responded, "oh wow! That is so cool!" she replied, "eh... It's okay." I just felt so... maybe concerned is the right word. They don't work in the same department, he is actually in the field most of the day, she really doesn't even see him that often. So why is it just okay? Why isn't she excited about the chance of crossing paths in the hallway, or eating lunch together in the break room?

I don't think it is completely unrealistic for me to want my marriage to be a happy one. A marriage where there are more times that I want to be with my husband than I want to be apart. Maybe even a marriage where I remain forever obsessed and happy 80% of the time. While the other 20% is spent bitching about him using my razor to shave his head, and leaving dirty clothes next to the hamper.

My friendships: I am a really awesome friend (most of the time). But typically, I am the kind of friend who loses touch with people. I've met a couple girls while working at the bank, that I absolutely love. They are funny, we chat a lot, and I think, in general, we just understand one another. But I still have this fear that when we no longer work together. Will we still text? Will we ever hang out? In my past experience, there is a good chance that we won't and that bums me out.

I have a similar fear when it comes to my long term friendships. Will we stay in contact if one of us moves? What about when Bre is in a serious relationship and working full time, will we still make time to see one another? Or when Megan has kids and I don't, will we still talk and go get coffee together? I really, honestly, hope so.

My career: what the hell am I doing with my life? I hope that one day I figure it out. I want to be successful at something... and not just at being a wife and friend.

My health: I am horrified that I will never reach a weight or body that makes me feel accomplished, and thin, and strong. I don't have this fear because I think it's impossible, I am just incredibly lazy... I get frustrated and I quit. Or I reach a goal where I am feeling pretty good about myself and I quit. Basically, I am a quitter and I'm afraid that I will never be anything else.

My happiness: I just want Aaron and I to be happy together. I want to feel like we are doing the right thing, for ourselves, and that things couldn't be better. I know that most people struggle with that idea, sure there is always room for improvement, but we have a pretty strong idea of where we want this life to go. If we could figure things out to make our (realistic) dreams our real life, we would be all set. For now, I will end it there, but there is more on this to come, there are plans. Big, huge, giant plans.

Helene in Between Blogtober

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